So. last night. i broke up with steve.
I mean, i didn't want to, but i had to cause i didn't want to hurt him anymore. Because right now in the Life of Jules, there is a bit of turbulance. Long story short...he wants a serious relationship, and i can't give that to him right now, and by my actions, that i had used in an approach to further us apart, i had hurt him. AND I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO...cause i was scared. Scared i had actually found a person who could appreciate me for who i was and how my mind works, and all my thoughts and opions. Someone who loved me, and someone i felt the same about. I fucked everything up. And sooooo these actions that i took were cheating. The last thing in the world i want is for someone to feel pain, pain that i caused. And caused him extreme pain. and he in nooooo way deserved one bit of. So we talked on the phone with him afterwards, and i cried. and i've cried before, and hey, since were being honest...i cry every day. but this was different. I've never cried over anyone before. Noone. and i've had some pretty fucking important people in my life die and still no tear was shed. (well im lying, i did cry over one other peson.. Dingus,but thats a different story, but same kind of situation, i mean the feeling part, but we were best friends, and blah and she..is a she, and it wasnt romantic love, and she totally fucked me over...but anyway...) So, i was crying on the phone with him, wait, i mean i was crying while i was on the phone with him, and i actually felt my heart hurt. I didnt know that was possible. It makes me soo fucking sad to know i fucked everything up with him. I RUINED EVERYTHING AGAIN.
. but hey, thats what i seem to be the best at in life. sooo. but i told him he will always and forever have half my heart..and he said the same....and me, being the selfish mother fucker i am, i asked him if there could be anychance that we could try the relationship thing again later. He said yeah, but i dont think he really wants to. I think he got the wrong impression of me. and i thing other people did as well....Thatwasnot Jules. it was not a jules move at all. ive never cheated at all ever ever ever. but i never had feelings like this for someone before. but i think i just need time to chillaxe, and regroup. i asked him if we could still be friends and he said yeah of course, but i just feel like he doesnt want anything to do with me. And thats totally understandable...but i want to prove him wrong, i want to show him the real me. THE UN-CHEATING ME. but with Kaylan too. They have gotten remarkably close..and i dont know what shes saying to him, or what they talk about. cause ive tried to talk to her about him when we were together, and i thought she was like helping, but i dont know if she would keep things confidential, or twist my words, or even make shit up. I don't know. i want to beable to trust everyone, but i dont trust anyone. i trust steve though. so, but Olli has been an incredible friend thru the whole time, i love her. she helped me so much get my fucking shit together. and i hope with a few weeks of just being jules. and not jules+significant other, i can finally breath and just...think. cause that would be lovely. just fucking lovely. i really fucked things up huh.
but ill let you get on your way now.
just put this on my tab.
sugar cookies are delictable, but just watch the sodium intake.-Jules